The motherless life

I learnt very earlier in life how to keep my pain to myself. Reflective meditation is crazy miraculous just figured that that’s why I am so closed off and don’t like to share my pain, or even tell someone that they have hurt me. I almost find it embarrassing as if the way men are taught to bottle up emotion, I guess that’s the man in me

I found out about my mother’s sickness when I was in primary school. I vividly remember that day it makes me tear to this day. I look at that young me now and see that that’s when the child in me started fading . I came downstairs from my mothers bedroom after the announcement, locked my self in the garage then went under one of the car tires and cried, that was the beginning of the tearing journey. I remember my first prayer was let her die atleast when my young siblings are out of primary school. She died after my first year at Uni and my youngest sister was in secondary school. After my sisters finished primary school my prayer was she never gets sick. My mother was in hospital for only three days before she passed. And before that, she had never been sickly. I always prayed that she never goes through a lot of pain and I thank the lord she dint. I was sure I would die immediately after her and in that moment when she had just died it’s like I waited to understand what would happen to me. As I was going down the building after the announcement I thought I would just jump off, I was literally waiting for myself to go nuts, or just collapse. I was weirdly intact and out of my body, it’s like I was watching this whole thing happening but it wasn’t happening to me

The one thing that I still remember every now and then was the look in people’s eyes. A-bit of mercy and then the look of you don’t matter much anymore. It’s like these older people who used to look at me with love and a connection, now dint feel connected to me anymore. I really still wonder why that is. And after that none of them ever treated me the same at-least not with the glow they had when my mother was around.

You see my mother was my father and mother. Recently one of my cousins was reminding me that she died on the 29th of this month maybe that’s why I was down the whole of last week, the lord knows. I have never been one to cram dates for nothing, that one too, so it wasn’t in my mind. My father passed away recently in 2020 and immediately I got the call, at about 5am in the morning I started wailing, asking God why he really took my mother. It had been 11years but those tears where still flourishing, ain’t that crazy. I was grieving my mother when my father passed. I also thought about how sad it must be for his kids, my siblings who grew up with him all there life. Because I knew so well the feeling, from the 11 years of experience. I was just starting to get to know my father, was supposed to take him for a drink like buddies I guess that’s plot for the after life.

Last week I really felt the lonely. Was totally down and could not get out of the house, stress eating my life away. So in that moment I realized that I have no one to go to, a home to go to. Honestly I wasn’t trying to feel sorry for myself I am passed that stage. it was a moment of awareness and acceptance. And also I know that we are spirits, so we never die. I still cry in those moments but it’s more of I miss you not I wish I was dead because your not here. The earlier years were reckless it’s a miracle I am alive because I really dint care to live. I run to intoxicants for comfort, to block the feelings. Recently when I came to be aware of them, feel them, and understand them with out the highs it’s given me power over them and I can say that’s a concurred problem. Awareness and acceptance are key. I mean we all have one destination and i am not the first.

You my lovelies out there motherless as thy. Let’s accept that the tears don’t go way. Let’s let them be when they come and move on after. If you do it without indulging in the highs, it’s intance at first but honestly after some time you accept what is. I know it’s not easy but if it happened with me it can be you too.

I miss you my mother and still love you deep. But I also know your here and apart of me❤️😘

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